I’ve been pondering the question of whether I should continue to wear my wedding band, or . . . why do I continue to wear my wedding band? When I got divorced from my first husband, I willingly took off my ring. It’s not like that this time. When Mike and I arranged our wedding in a week, he insisted on getting wedding bands for both of us. I thought it would take too long to get them ordered, etc. We both found rings at the first store we shopped. Mike’s band fit perfectly. I had mine resized after the ceremony. Is there a time limit on how long to wear my ring? It goes so perfectly with the solitaire that was his mum’s.
It’s weird. I wear my wedding rings and think of Mike. I see Mike all around me – his furniture in every room, in some rooms it’s all his furniture. Our furniture melded together when we merged our lives. So did our kitchen pots & pans, knives and dishes. A good friend said to Mike, “Didn’t you know you were meant to be together, since your furniture goes so well together?” Now I am left with the furniture – and no Mike. Don’t get me wrong; I love the furniture and everything in the kitchen. I just wish I had Mike instead. (Here’s that magical thinking Joan Didion wrote about.) It feels like I have the leftovers, no matter how wonderful those things are.
Speaking of Joan Didion, I read her book, The Year of Magical Thinking, two years ago and last year, I read Christopher Buckley’s, Losing Mum and Pup. Reading these books turned out to be preparation for where I am now. Both books have provided me with references and ways to think about my experience of loss – and the process – of time and thoughts and questions that arise.
When I write these posts, I mull over the ideas and the words to use. Weeks have gone by thinking, writing, adding, deleting, rewriting. For now, I’m letting go of the question about wearing my rings. I’m done focusing on this – time to move on. The answer will be revealed in its right way and right time. When I take my wedding rings off, there’s an indentation that remains on my finger. . . just like Mike has left an impression on my heart that will always be there.
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