Posts Tagged ‘spirituality’

So much time has passed and changes are occurring.  I took off my wedding band a few weeks ago.  I decided I didn’t need to wear it any longer.  I’m not married anymore – except in my heart.  I continue to wear the diamond ring Mike gave me – it’s got all the love energy in it.  The ring was his mum’s.  She bought it with lottery winnings. She had always wanted a large diamond solitaire.  She told Mike it would be his later on.  Mike’s mum died when he was 16 years old.  When Mike father died about ten years later, he got the ring.  And then he carried around the world for the next 25 years – working in places like South America,Thailand,Saudi Arabia,  northern Canada.  He never married during all this time.  His work managing multi-billion dollar construction projects didn’t allow much time for relationships.  There is a lot of love in this ring and I feel it.

I’m off for a vacation with girlfriends to Bali.  Mike and I had talked about him doing one more construction project at a location around the world.  The one he wanted to help manage was in Australia– just a short airplane ride away from Bali.  I keep thinking about this and our plans for this project as I pack to go.  I still miss him a lot.


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I had a few very clear instances of Mike’s presence – of reaching through the veil to me.  Within the first few days after his death, there was a message on my cell phone – a whispered, “I love you”.  It had to be Mike.  I’ve read about these occurrences. 

The top of the dresser in our master bedroom is filled with family photos and other special objects. Next to Mike’s photo, I placed the small flat metal heart I had given him right after we were married  – and that he carried every day in his pocket with his change.  On one side is engraved, Love Flows Through Me, and on the other side, Love Surrounds Me. When I looked the next day, I discovered the heart had moved.  Guess who?

A few weeks after Mike’s death, I went upstairs to the bedroom and found the room filled with the strong smell of coffee.  There was no coffee being made downstairs in the kitchen.  I knew it was Mike.  He had coffee every morning. 

I recommend reading the book, Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim.  It helped validate for me the after-death communications I had from Mike were not unusual.

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It is a bummer that Mike took off his earth suit so soon. In some ways, I thought we were just getting started on our life together.  We’d been married for just 4 and a half years.  I could see how we were both sanding off the bumps and corners of each other as we evolved our life together.  I do know that in pushing the eject button on his earth suit, Mike realized a more expansive sense of who he is – that Love Life essence that never changes. 

Over the past few months prior to Mike’s transition, I had been noticing and appreciating the ordinariness of our relationship – the everyday little things.  Just having Mike at home – whether he was napping or reading,  or cooking together, or watching a movie together with our daughter.  We loved dinner and a movie at home or going out.  We loved to cook and entertain our friends.  It was fun to plan what we were each going to make.  I do have to mention his amazing lobster bisque.  One sip and I wanted to marry him.  Thank goodness this is one recipe that IS written down.  I am grateful that I was noticing and appreciating the ordinary gems in our relationship.  I do miss both of us cooking in the kitchen together – it is what our remodeled kitchen was designed for.  I miss the we.

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Erasing the Blackboard

All the plans – such as gatherings with friends, the dreams – retiring to Hawaii, the trips we were planning – to visit Mike’s sister and husband in the UK and at their house in France, to visit NYC which Mike had never been to – even though he’d lived or traveled in over 49 countries.  All these and many more desires that we had talked about . . . I now am erasing from the blackboard.  Those plans don’t apply now.  Well, some do – I will still go visit friends in NYC, and visit his sister & husband in the UK and France – just not with Mike.  We talked about going to Esalen Institute in Big Sur – he had been and said it was so wonderful.  Maybe I will go . . . and, it will be different without him.

In the book, Spiritual Liberation, by Michael Beckwith, he says:  “Surrender is a bold spiritual stance, the stance of a spiritual warrior, because what we are surrendering to is the next stage of our evolution.”  I am surrendering to a new next stage of my evolution, wiping the blackboard clean to start again.

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I’ve always wondered why flowers are sent to the family of the deceased. Now I have a different understanding of why this is a tradition and a way to express condolences.

Flowers are alive, fresh.  A reminder of life.  Flowers also have powerful emotional and spiritual healing properties.  The floral arrangements I received were a reminder of the love and support of those that sent them to me – every time I looked at them and appreciated their beauty.

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